“For the two of us, home isn’t a
place. It is a person.
And we are finally home.”
―Stephanie Perkins
And we are finally home.”
―Stephanie Perkins
All intimate relationships are built on
a foundation of honesty, trust, and attraction, but what do happy couples do
differently to keep their love thriving in the long run?
It’s important to understand that love
is not just about finding the right person, it’s about working with them to
create the right relationship. Marc and I have met and worked with
couples at all ends of the spectrum over the years, and we’ve found that the
happiest couples, or the unhappy couples who successfully turn things around,
are able to create loving, lasting relationships by doing the following:
1. They make
plenty of time for each other.
Neglect based on lack of attention
damages relationships far more often than malicious abuse. There’s
nothing more vital to the bond you share with someone than simply being there
for them. Too often we underestimate the power of a thoughtful question
and a listening ear that’s fully present and focused. Although it’s a
simple act, it may very well be the most powerful act of caring – one which has
the potential to turn a relationship around.
When we pay attention to each other we
breathe new life into each other. With frequent attention and affection
our relationships flourish, and we as individuals grow stronger. This is
the side effect of a good relationship – we help heal each other’s wounds and
support each other’s strengths.
Bottom line: Stay in close touch
with what’s going on in your partner’s life – communicate openly on a regular
basis. Not because it’s convenient, but because they are worth the extra
effort.
2. They
don’t beat around the bush.
No matter how sure you are of someone’s
love, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. When you truly love someone,
be loving in words and deeds every single day. Don’t beat around the
bush. Be straightforward.
If you appreciate someone today, tell
them. If you adore someone today, show them. Hearts are often
confused and broken by thoughtful words left unspoken and loving deeds left
undone. There might not be a tomorrow. Today is the day to express
your love and admiration.
3. They meet
in the middle and work together.
The most important trip you will ever
take in life is meeting your partner half way. You will achieve far more
by working with them, rather than working alone or against them. That’s
what healthy relationships are all about – teamwork. It really is a full
circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two
members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality
of the relationship.
Anyone who helps you to make your
half-hearted attempts more whole-hearted through passion, love and teamwork, is
a precious friend and teacher, and thus makes a great partner. Take the
lead and BE this partner. Make an effort to work closely with your
significant other, and conquer the world together.
4. Their
actions consistently backup their claims of love.
Actions often speak much louder than
words. When you love someone you have to act accordingly. They will
be able to tell how you feel about them simply by the way you treat them over
the long-term.
You can say sorry a thousand times, or
say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the
things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words
are not sincere.
And remember, it’s not so much about
how much you do for your loved ones as it is about the love you put into what
you do for them. Learn what matters most to them and make a habit of it.
5. They
respect each other’s humanness.
All humans are imperfect. At
times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the
generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know.
And guess what? You’re human and
so is your partner. In fact, we all are. We make mistakes, we lose
our tempers, and we get caught off guard. We stumble, we slip, and we
spin out of control sometimes.
But that’s the worst of it; we all have
our moments. Most of the time we’re remarkable. So stand beside the
people you love through their trying times of imperfection, and offer yourself
the same courtesy; if you aren’t willing to, you don’t deserve to be around for
the perfect moments either.
6. They
focus on what they like about each other.
What you focus on grows stronger in
your relationships. When you focus on a person’s wonderful qualities, you
have a wonderful relationship with them. When you focus on a person’s not
so wonderful qualities, you have a not so wonderful relationship with them.
When you focus on benefits of a situation, you get to take advantage of
them. When you focus on the drawbacks, you gain nothing but a frown.
The bottom line is that you see only
what you want to see, and what you see determines the health of your relationships.
Your attitude is a little thing that makes a massive difference. Don’t be
the stubborn one who makes it a point to not see the good in your partner.
7. There is
far more between them than physical attraction.
Infatuating yourself with someone
simply for what they look like on the outside is like choosing your favorite
food based on color instead of taste. It makes no sense. It’s
innate, invisible, unquantifiable characteristics that create lasting
attraction. There must be common ground in your interests and outlooks on
life.
Just as some people enjoy the smell of
mint, while others prefer the scent of cinnamon, there is an undeniable,
magnetic draw that attracts you to the qualities of certain people, places, and
things. Sometimes it’s even the scars your soul shares with them that
reels you in and creates the very hinges that hold you together in the long
run.
8. They
resolve conflicts through love, not retaliation.
If you’re disappointed with yourself or
frustrated with your partner, the answer is not to take it out on the world
around you. Retribution, whether it’s focused on yourself or others,
brings zero value into your life. The way beyond the pain from the past
is not with vengeance, mockery, bullying or retaliation, but with present love.
Forgive the past, forgive yourself,
forgive your partner, and love the present moment for what it’s
worth. There are plenty of beautiful things to love right now; you
just have to want to see them. Loving is never easy, especially when times
are tough, yet it is easily the most powerful and positively enduring action
possible.
9. They open
up to each other, especially in trying times.
Let your partner in when you’re in a
dark place. Open up to them completely. Don’t expect them to solve
your problems; just allow them to face your problems with you. Give them
permission to stand beside you. They won’t necessarily be able to pull
you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they
enter will at least show you which way the door is.
Above all, the important thing to
remember is that you are not alone. No matter how bizarre or embarrassed
or pathetic you feel about your own situation, your partner is in your life and
has dealt with similar emotions and wants to help you. When you hear
yourself say, “I am alone,” it’s just your insecurities trying to sell you a
lie.
10. They are
committed to growing together.
It’s not about finding someone to lose
yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in. When you connect
with someone special, especially a lifelong partner, this person helps you find
the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the best
in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together
and nurturing each other’s growth.
When you honestly think about what you
and your partner add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of
giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts,
etc.), you two have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain,
and experience life together through good times and bad.
No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one.
Afterthoughts
The best relationships are not just
about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through
together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end. And
loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day
in every way.
This post was written by Marc and Angel.
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